Couples Counseling and a summary of John Gottman Ph.D's book "The Seven Habits for Making Marriage Work."
The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman, PhD Amazon-The Seven Principles
In The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, John Gottman outlines key principles that strengthen relationships and help couples build lasting, healthy marriages. Here’s a summary of the seven principles:
1. Enhance your Love Maps
Partners should know each other’s inner worlds—dreams, fears, likes, and dislikes. Regularly updating these "maps" builds emotional intimacy.
2. Nurture Fondness & Admiration
Couples must appreciate and respect each other. Focusing on positive traits and expressing admiration can maintain a sense of connection.
3. Turn Toward Each Other Instead of Away
Small daily interactions (like responding to bids for attention) create emotional trust and strengthen bonds over time.
4. Let Your Partner Influence You
Successful relationships involve mutual respect, where both partners are open to each other’s perspectives and willing to compromise.
5. Solve your Solvable Problems
Many conflicts are solvable with practical solutions. Gottman suggests softening startups, using humor, and compromising to address everyday issues.
6. Overcome Gridlock
When couples encounter persistent, unsolvable issues, they should try to understand the underlying dreams and values behind each other’s positions, even if the problem cannot be fully resolved.
7. Create Shared Meaning
Building a sense of purpose through shared goals, traditions, and rituals strengthens the relationship by creating a deeper connection beyond day-to-day life.
These principles encourage open communication, emotional intimacy, and mutual respect, helping couples navigate good and challenging times.
According to Gottman, couples who are more in touch with their own emotions are better able to understand their partner's emotions. They possess the ability to understand, honor, and respect each other and their marriage, They posess:
Emotional Intelligence
Unconditional Understanding
Empathy
Empathetic Communications
Dr. Gottman describes defense mechanisms that couples should avoid; He refers to them as The Four Horseman: Defense Mechanisms
Criticism
Criticism involves attacking your partner's character or personality rather than addressing specific behaviors. It often uses phrases like “You always…” or “You never…” and makes the person feel attacked, leading to defensiveness.
Antidote: Use “I” statements to express how you feel and focus on specific behaviors (e.g., “I feel upset when the dishes aren’t done”).
Defensiveness
Defensiveness occurs when someone refuses to take responsibility, deflects blame, or makes excuses. This often escalates conflicts rather than resolving them.
Antidote: Take responsibility, even for a small part of the issue, to help de-escalate the conflict.
Contempt
Contempt is the most damaging of the four. It involves showing disrespect, mocking, sarcasm, or name-calling, and signals a sense of superiority over your partner.
Antidote: Build a culture of appreciation and respect by focusing on positive qualities and expressing gratitude.
Stonewalling
Stonewalling happens when one partner withdraws from a conversation, shuts down emotionally, or avoids interaction, often in response to feeling overwhelmed.
Antidote: Practice self-soothing techniques (like taking a break) to calm down and re-engage in the conversation later.
Rev. Steve Longley